


peach sky

by angelcult



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Boys In Love, Character Study, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 13:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20866730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcult/pseuds/angelcult
Summary: Payton can remember what it was like to love River, but he wished he didn’t sometimes.





	peach sky

“I remember…  _ everything… _ ”

Payton’s eyes were getting red, teary and sad as he spoke. Only three words but it was hard to not look at River and cry, it was so  _ damn hard  _ to look at him and not remember all the kisses and handholding and breathing exercises.

When he looked at this shadow, at this piece of himself (that’s what River had become, he was all the  **good ** in Payton, all the emotion and the nasty and the ugly and the beautiful), he felt something then.

He felt sad, he didn’t feel his ambition as strongly, in fact, when he looked at River, he felt no ambition at all. 

“I know you do. It’s in your nature to remember.” River commented, reaching over to touch Payton’s cheek and wipe the tear that had begun to fall. 

“You remember everything, even if you don’t want to.”

Payton smiled, quick and nervous but it was mostly to dispel his own feelings of anguish and he was trying to be quiet because his roommates were there but River was still watching him.

“I remember when you pulled the trigger.. I’d.. I’d never heard a sound like that. It was so loud, and then it got really quiet.. It got really quiet-“ 

He didn’t realize it had become so bad, the crying, the  _ feeling,  _ but it was and he was choking on his sobs and he drank so much because it took all of that away, he became numb. If he could numb it all, without giving himself back to the cold and heartless ambition, then he would. 

Payton wondered,  _ wonders,  _ if he will ever be a good person, as he muffles his sobs into River’s shirt and feels those hands rub up and down his back.

River always had such big hands, he would rest them on Payton’s face and trace his lips and eyes and brow and then he’d be kissing him and those hands held a gun and those hands were covered with blood and Payton was  ** _covered in blood_ ** -

And then it stopped, the thoughts, as it started because River was speaking and his thoughts always seemed to trail off when River spoke.

“You’re getting better.. I wish you’d stop drinking so much though. You aren’t going about this the right way, Payton, and I think you know that.” River’s voice was always so soothing, and he carefully rocked them from side to side.

“You need to learn to open up to people and not drown yourself in a bottle. You can feel now, but you’re hurting yourself with all that emotion.”

“Don’t I deserve to hurt?” Payton asked softly, eyes now staring blankly at a point on the far wall. 

River would have probably been concerned, but he knew that Payton was simply processing everything he’d just told him, and he was going through all that self-loathing that he tended to go through whenever someone tried to comfort him.

“No. No one deserves to be hurt like this. This is the worst pain.. It can drive a person to death.”

“Not even bad people?” The  _ like me  _ was left unspoken, but River heard it (he heard it all, the unspoken things) and shook his head, pressing a kiss to the top of Payton’s head, the blond was leaning so heavily against him now. 

“No one, Payton.”

They fell into silence after, and Payton was glad that he didn’t have class the next day or else he’d have skipped it, so that he could lay in bed with River.

He needed him more than anything now, he needed him to the point where his heart was slowing down when he wasn’t there.

Payton loved and still does love River. It was not the unhealthy love he once had for Alice, the love, that while he meant every word, was almost numbing in its cold nature. 

She never sounded happy when he was around, even if she smiled, even if she laughed, he always knew that deep down, it wasn’t good for either of them. 

He never looked back.

River laid them both down on their sides, hand on Payton’s cheek. 

“River.. I love you.” The whispered words were ones that Payton had said many times, and they never lost meaning, he did love him.

He loved him so much that sometimes he wished he’d died because then this would be real and he would be with the one person who made him vulnerable, who made him authentic. 

River brought out the best in Payton (and the nasty and the ugly and the beautiful).

“I know you do. But you can’t love a ghost, Payton, you have to love someone who’s as flesh and blood as you are.”

“I.. I love Alice.” Payton whispered, but it was strained and he sounded like he didn’t even believe it. 

“I know.. But when was the last time you talked to her? Isn’t she getting married?”

Payton nodded and they fell into silence.

“You should learn to love yourself too.”

“Let me guess,  _ you can’t love someone until you’ve loved yourself?” _

“No, that’s not it, you can love someone while you don’t hold yourself to such a high caliber but you need to  _ heal  _ Payton, you haven’t healed.”

“I have.. I have healed.”

River sat up on one arm to look down at Payton and he shook his head, a small laugh escaping him but seemed humorless.

“Payton, you haven’t healed at all. Maybe you’ve scabbed everything over as best you can.. But you haven’t healed. You drink and you run and you sing but not because you’ve healed, you’re just pretending you have.. And I know how much you hate pretending.”

Payton stared up at River, into those bright blue eyes, his dark hair that was framing his face well and he was in love and that  _ hurt  _ because River was dead, he was dead and Payton couldn’t bring him back.

He saw him die.

Closing his eyes, Payton breathed out harshly and when he opened them, River was gone.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! You can find me on tumblr @ firstburrn.


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